I love the Olympics. I really, really love the Olympics. By the end of the games, my DVR is full of great moments in time, which I refuse to delete for months. There is something about watching athletes perform amazing feats as I sit on my couch and eat ice-cream. It is comparable, although significantly better, than watching The Biggest Loser while eating potato chips.

A darling friend of mine, Noelle Pikus-Pace, is competing in the skeleton at the Olympic Winter Games in Vancouver. In honor of her awesomeness, I am going to dedicate this post to her, and encourage all of my faithful readers to support her by buying a really cute hat at snowfirehats.com. Noelle designed the hats herself. They are super cute (this pic is of Noelle sporting one of her designs) and help her with the costs of training, travel and gear.

So, to pay tribute to Noelle, and the entire Olympic Team, I have come up with:

The Top Reasons Team U.S.A. Will Win the Olympics

We have the cutest Olympians. Our team is H-O-T HOT. Seriously. When you add beauty to sheer talent, how can you NOT prevail? Don’t believe me? Check out the picture above of cute Noelle, and compare that to this weight-lifting Big Mama from the Beijing Games. She didn’t win and I doubt her picture would ever grace the front of a Wheaties box. Never, never, never would our Women’s Team look like this.

We dress for success. I recently checked-out the official uniform for the U.S. Snowboarding Team. It is denim and plaid– pretty stylin. Although, I think a close runner-up is the uniform my brother suggested- a viking helmet and a skater belt. (I think Brian pulls this look off quite well. See below.)

We’ve got the moves. You know you are going to be good at more than skating with a name like Ohno. I can see it now. Contenders from other countries are probably saying, “OH-NO! Look who is up next! I don’t stand a chance at winning against this Dancing with the Stars Winner/Greek God.” I seriously love the fact that Apolo’s parents named him after the God of Arts. With a name like Apolo Ohno, we are sure to take the gold. I think all of our Olympic athletes should be named after Greek Gods.

We have Colbert. When Colbert is on your side, you can never lose. I still can’t see why he didn’t make the team. He definitely has my vote. (Warning. Do not watch this video while drinking milk. I learned the hard way.)

Why, I ask you, why, why, why do kids think they need pets? Oh, and by the way, a pet is not classified as a fish or a hamster, because we HAVE those and apparently they don’t count.

Further, why as parents, are we guilt-ridden if we don’t comply and GET them a pet?

Last Saturday we bought a cat. We were told (and like morons, we believed) that Siamese cats produced less dander and are hypoallergenic. Whatever. Our four year-old was so swollen she looked like a frickin sumo wrestler. Through her nasal-congested misery, she mournfully cried over the loss of her feline friend on Sunday when it was returned. Even though she was thoroughly and completely afflicted by said Siamese, she STILL wanted to keep it.

So we decided no cats.

I have been considering allowing a dog in our home again. The last one costs us thousands of dollars because we apparently thought we could house an Alaskan Husky on .14 acres. Tala, the husky, quickly let us know the lack of space was unacceptable. She chewed-up shoes, furniture, ripped-up our carpet, demolished our landscaping, and made me frickin crazy. Because we are super-duper smart, we kept the dog for an entire year. Even though some time has passed, I still feel some post-traumatic-stress when I think of Tala.

So, tonight we continued our quest for self-abuse by looking for another dog. We had the pleasure of meeting a cute little Shih Tzu that bit my four year-old daughter on the face. WHAT?!

My poor little sweetheart cried all the way home. As soon as we got home she asked, “Can we find another dog?”

Oh my frickin heck. I think we need some serious counseling.

Have you ever received an email that claimed to be verified by snopes.com which told of a horrific situation where certain death was barely avoided, with a warning how you, too, can dodge it?

A favorite of mine is the “The Killer in the Backseat.” This story has a few different versions, but tells of a woman that was driving with a murderer in her car. She avoided becoming his next victim, thanks to a good Samaritan who warned her of the evil cargo.

Another awesome urban legend is about the giant alligators living in the sewers of New York City. I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to encounter one of these bad boys in a bathroom stall.

I love those emails. They are awesome. My favorite thing about them is seeing who believed and forwarded the story to me. The sender usually encourages me to forward the warning to other women, followed by a small manipulation like, “if you really care about your mom, sisters, girlfriends, you HAVE to send them this email!”

My sister and I (the darling beauty mentioned in frickin pregnancy) decided to start an urban legend of our own, and see how far it got.

The good news: Totally believable.

The bad news: We received promises that our “friend’s family” would be remembered in prayers, so we had to let people know it was fictitious.

Unfortunately, the email never made it to Snopes. I, personally, think we had a frickin awesome email and a good chance to live forever in Snopes internet history. Let me know what you think.

WARNING! Do NOT mix household cleaners! Please tell all the women in your life to be very careful with household cleaners so the following does not happen to them!

A good friend of mine was recently cleaning her toilet and mixed cleanser with toilet cleaner. The fumes from the detergents combined, creating a toxic mist that caused her to become unconscious. She fell, hitting her head on the bathtub so hard, she died.

Thinking back on this, I believe we should have elaborated on the story, and better yet, not killed our heroine. A better ending would have been:

She fell, hit her head on the bathtub, and become unconscious- continually breathing the toxic fumes.

Fortunately, her small child saved her life. When her four year-old son found his mother non-responsive on the bathroom floor, he called 911. The paramedics arrived, rescued her from the bathroom fumes, and she lived.

Yes, I think that is a much better ending. Next time you receive an urban legend email and you think, “who WRITES this stuff?” The answer, people like us. OK, I admit it; we are frickin dorks.

What are you doing next Tuesday evening?

You have plans? Well, cancel them. You are about to be invited to the biggest party of the century! You may have thought that party happened in NYC on New Years Eve 1999, but it didn’t. Believe me, I was there. I got chased by a drunk homeless guy. It was a little scary.

Excited? Ready for more information?

Well then, here you go! You HAVE to come to our #gno tweet-up. What is a tweet-up? Well, if it involves SEO.com, it is where a bunch of internet marketing and social media pros get together to do geek-like things. We talk about websites, marketing, and use phrases like anchor text. If that doesn’t sound like a party, you are frickin crazy!

Anyone and everyone is invited. Come for tips and tricks on getting more traffic to your site. If you have a blog, website, or just want free pizza, we would love to see you. We have $1700 in giveaways and if you are really lucky, you might go home with a cool SEO.com t-shirt.

Are you far away? No big deal! We will bring the party to you. Simply click on the ustream link below on Tuesday night and join us online.

Event Details

Come join us for a pizza party at the SEO.com headquarters, follow the party on twitter, or join us live through ustream. To RSVP, visit http://twtvite.com/esj6zp.

Date/Time:  Tuesday, Jan. 12; 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST

On-site Location:   SEO.com Corporate Office: 14870 S. Pony Express Rd. Suite 100, Bluffdale, UT 84065

Ustream: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/gno-seo-com-tweet-up1
Twitter Feed:  #gno #seocom

Giveaway 1: a free 1-year subscription to SEO Companion—SEO.com’s exclusive site that will help you learn and apply SEO techniques that will drive more traffic to your site (approximate value: $1200).

Giveaway 2—a free custom SEO site analysis from SEO.com ($500 value).

For more information including entry requirements, click HERE to visit my blog post for seo.com.

I hope to see you there!

My thirteen year-old is busy texting boys, watching vampire movies, creating dances with her friends that she records (and begs to put on youtube- which I do NOT allow) and talking on the phone.

Life wasn’t always like this. She used to be six and everything I said was true. She would run to the door and greet me with a smile and a hug. She would tell me everything about her day, which usually consisted of what cool rocks she found and how they sparkle.

When did she grow up?

When did life become about make-up, boys, friends, clothes, shopping, Twilight and Team Jacob?

I miss the days when her imaginary world was as real as the snow I see outside my window. She had special powers, secret passageways and an entire world of creatures more fantastic than anything written by CS Lewis or Tolkien.

Sometimes when she had a hard day, or a moment that wasn’t going her way, she would compare and contrast the two universes in which she lived. She would say, “In my world…” and would follow it by telling us how wonderful her world was. Sometimes I would tell her, “well, right now you are in this world, where we clean our rooms, make our beds, and go to sleep at 8:00.”

I was talking to my Dad recently about this, and we discussed what it would be like to design our own worlds. I have been thinking (I know, I know, CRAZY!) and believe I could come up with the perfect world.

In my world, we would all have the innocence, unconditional love and sincerity of six year-olds, and the wisdom and patience of the Dalai Lama. (The Art of Happiness is a great book, by the way.)

In my world, time would not exist. This would eliminate the need to rush or hurry for anything. There would be no deadlines, appointments, or time-related stress.

In my world, we would have endless energy with no need for sleep. We could accomplish incredible things as we would never tire.

In my world, we would all have perfect health. Our bodies would be as strong as the species on “I Am Legend,” but we would all be incredibly gorgeous. (Those creatures are frickin scary-looking!)

What does your world look like?

Every time I sit down to blog, I think about writing it. You know, that one post that NEEDS to be written? It is there inside you, forming, growing, developing a life of its own? I never understood writers who said they had a novel inside of them. Now I know, because I think I have one inside of me. Perhaps there are meds for that? Deep breath. OK, here goes.

Whew. I feel better. I think I just got it out.

Wait, a minute. Nope, it’s still there. Here we go again.

In June this year, we almost lost our baby boy. Sometime before he was eight weeks old, he ingested an airborne botulism spore which irreversibly bound to his intestines and started poisoning him.

Within hours one Saturday, he became paralyzed, blind and went into respiratory arrest. According to his doctors, and Wikipedia, the source of all truth and knowledge, Botulism (Botulinum toxin) is the most poisonous substance on earth. If it wasn’t for divine intervention, he wouldn’t have made it to the hospital alive.

For days it was a dark nightmare. The entire first week (out of 11 weeks we spent at Primary Children’s Hospital) was a blur. We cried. We prayed. We watched the monitors. The doctors ran test, after test, after test. After involving three separate teams of specialists, they finally were able to diagnose and treat our paralyzed little boy.

Eventually he was able to slightly move his right arm.
Then his left.
Then his feet.
And then one day, his eyelids fluttered.
It was glorious.

During the following twenty-two weeks he learned how to breathe, move, smile, drink a bottle and become a baby again.

Now, as I am writing this post, he is rolling around the carpet trying to put anything, and everything, into his mouth.

Through this nightmare, I have changed. I am still my silly, crazy, self; but there is a new sense of appreciation and gratitude that is so intense, I find myself getting choked-up almost every day. (Don’t worry, nobody knows, I blame it on my contacts.)

Life is so short. If I have learned anything, it is that each day is precious. Our time with our loved ones is invaluable. Hug your kids. Kiss your spouse. Be friends with your siblings. Call your parents. Say “I love you.” When we thought we were going to lose our baby, I wished so badly that I had spent more time cuddling him, and less time worrying about lack of sleep or a perfectly-clean house.

Christmas is upon us. While the rest of the world is scurrying around, stressed-out over finding the perfect present, my husband and I are cuddling on the couch, knowing quality time together with our children is more precious than anything we could find in a store.

Merry Christmas. I hope it is everything you want it to be. No, I hope it is more. I hope you take the time to truly enjoy this season by making memories that will last forever.

I could write an entire list of things I love about working at SEO.com, but instead, I will just post the video below. Where else could I get paid for doing things like this?

I am pretty sure MTV will be calling us soon. If you want my autograph now, I will be offering a discounted rate.