Frickin Diets

At one time I was nominated, “Most Likely to be in the Olympics.” Now I think it would be, “Most Likely to Watch the Olympics While Eating a Carton of Ice-Cream.” This is an honor that I hope for every day. In fact, I may start a well-funded campaign to get it going.

The last year has been tough. Seriously, the toughest I have ever had. I guess I thought that a twix candy bar, some ice-cream, a little hot chocolate and maybe an extra helping of pie would make it better. In the end, I found you can’t eat your problems. Besides, if you could, I doubt they would taste very good.

So, here I am, wearing a bodybugg, exercising and eating way more salad and way less pie than I would like. The good news is, after 9 days, I have lost 7 pounds. Thank you, thank you (said in my best Elvis voice).

In honor of my tremendous success, I present:

The Best Frickin Things About Dieting:

1. You don’t have to worry about what to make for dinner. You don’t get dinner. You do get to eat, but the portion size is not nearly big enough to classify as dinner. It is more like a snack- so small it would get lost in your frickin skinny-jeans pocket.

2. Your oral health improves. No need to spend money going to the dentist. The lack of sugar combined with the enormous amount of water required to keep a semi-full stomach, prevents all tooth decay.

3. You have just been given a raise. The decrease in your food budget now allows for a Porsche (or at least a Mini Cooper.) It’s time to get rid of that mini van and trade up! After all, once you have lost all that weight, you deserve to look smoking hot in a Porsche.

4. Your hair always looks great. Because you spend way more time in the bathroom (thanks to all the water), you have plenty of opportunities to fix your hair.

5. You have more time. Think of all you can accomplish now that you are unburdened by the hassle of food preparation and consumption. Seriously. What a hassle that was- consuming food- what a bother!

There you have it. With those frickin amazing reasons to diet, I think I am ready to start my own weight-loss program. Want to join?

If you are still unconvinced, consider the following quote. “I went on a diet, swore off heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” -Joe E. Lewis

Yeah, that should do it!