Heartache, Miscarriages and Moving on

I have not posted a blog since October. Shortly after my last blog post, I miscarried the baby that I had announced quite publicly, here, a month before. As this was the outlet for my exciting news, I couldn’t make myself open my laptop and get back to blogging. It had a painful connection for me, and it was easier for me to avoid blogging than write, or not write, about it.

As many of you know, we went through hell and back shortly after our son was born. When he was 8 weeks old, he became blind, paralyzed and went into respiratory arrest with infant botulism. This was a very difficult time for us, and at times I never thought we would make it through it.

After our son recovered, my husband and I decided we wanted another baby. I quickly became pregnant, and just as quickly miscarried. But because the pregnancy was so short, I figured it wasn’t meant to be, and we could try again later. I cried for a day or so, and then got over it.

A few months later, we tried again, and voilà! Success! I was so excited about having our last baby. I couldn’t wait to share the news and start shopping for baby clothes and pick out names. I felt on a spiritual level, that we were supposed to add one more addition to our family, and knew everything would be OK.

When I miscarried the second time, I was more than heart broken. I was devastated. To add insult to injury, the D&C didn’t go well, and I had complications from the surgery. I seriously felt like I just couldn’t win. I found myself asking a lot of “why” questions.

Why did Jonny have to spend 3 months fighting for his life in a hospital?
Why did I miscarry the first time?
And for Heaven Sake, why again, especially this far along?

I felt hopeless, and was sure that my prayers made it no further than my bedroom ceiling.

Since then, I have realized the following:

Contrary to the belief that life is supposed to be a field of daisies, sometimes bad things happen. In fact, maybe they happen a lot more than sometimes. Life can be difficult, so difficult it feels like complete and total torture.

So, how do you move on when your life feels shattered?

For me, I had to start concentrating on what I used to like about my life (because at that time, I really didn’t like anything). I started looking for things to be thankful for. (My husband helped me a lot with this.) I continued to pray, even when I felt like my words evaporated before they reached Heaven. It took a lot of effort.

Another thing that helped- I really, really tried to act happy. Sometimes I was so good at pretending I was happy, that I actually fooled myself.

Biggest impact- I started looking for ways to help and serve others. I realized that other people had problems harder than mine, and I looked for ways to support and encourage them. I made more dinners for neighbors, expressed my love and appreciation for my family and friends, and donated to worthy causes. The busier I was, the less I missed our baby and thought about what might have been.

Finally, I started doing things for me. I took time to relax, read, and even splurge on pedicures and spa treatments.

End result: I am happier, more energetic and optimistic. I am giving my children, husband, SELF (this is super-important), and career 100%. It has taken a few months to get there, but I can honestly say I feel happy again. I figure if I keep this up, I can either become a motivational speaker, or write an amazing, life-changing, can’t-put-it-down-more-popular-than-twilight-book (which will make me millions of dollars, of course.)