Four year-old + long hair + KitchenAid = BAD

Very bad. Here’s the story.

My four year-old wanted to make cookies on Monday. As much as I would love to resist a warm, chewy, chocolate bite of heaven and have a carrot stick instead, I gave in. (It was a really hard sell.)

We combined the ingredients and the KitchenAid was mixing the dough, when my daughter leaned over the mixer.

In went the hair.

In a matter of one or two seconds, her scalp was attached to the mixer. I was able to unplug it fast enough that the hair wasn’t ripped out, but she was stuck. Really, really stuck.

Picture this: your daughter on her tiptoes, leaning over the mixer, her face smashed against the bowl, and her hair tangled around the flat beater. Not a super-fun, grab-your-camera, and call-the-grandparents moment.

In comes Dad. I am sure his thoughts were WTH, but instead he was calm. He quickly started taking the mixer apart (by the way, when you Google “hair caught in kitchenaid,” there are actually a lot of results).

When it looked almost hopeless, we discussed cutting her hair. In the cutest-voice-ever she begged, “Please don’t turn me into an ugly boy.”

This one statement cost us $300. We sacrificed the mixer to save her hair. Dad dismantled the machine, while I held her and told her stories of unicorns and really brave princesses. Ninety minutes later she was free. Was it worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely.

Love her. Love her dad.

We’ve lived in our home for over four years. Although our house is still relatively new, there are a few things that give it the appearance of an older home. Over the next couple weeks, I will be tackling some of these projects and writing posts on how to make your home feel new, in ten minutes or less.

Have you cleaned your return air vents lately? They have a nasty way of grabbing dirt and dust. After a few months, they start looking quite dingy.

I haven’t cleaned mine in about a year. (I know, I know, I am gross.) When I glanced at one vent this morning, I was shocked at how bad it had gotten.

The great news, they are SUPER easy to clean. It only takes about 2 minutes a vent, and it makes a big difference in how your home looks and feels.

Cleaning Your Frickin Return Air Vents

All you need to make your vents look fantastic is a scrub brush, cleaning detergent and a kitchen sink.

1. Remove the vent. Most vents are attached with two screws. To make this faster, involve your four year-old. It really helped me. OK, maybe don’t.

2. Place the vent in your kitchen sink. Spray the vent with a cleaning detergent. I use kid-safe, organic cleaning supplies, but 409 or something similar will work great.

3. Use a scrub brush and clean both sides of the vent. This only takes about 1 minute. It is really, really fast. I promise you will be amazed.

4. Rinse it off and dry.

5. Pat yourself on the back. Better yet- write a blog about it. Because, yes. You really are that cool now.

Tip- when replacing the vent, be sure to line up your screws with the holes, so you don’t make new holes (or bigger holes) in your drywall.

I was able to clean 3 return air vents in less then 10 minutes- including removing and replacing the vents.

Alright, it’s your turn. Go get ‘em!

I love the South. I really do. In fact, I may be genetically disposed to loving grits, big hair and porch sitting. Why? Because my roots come from Confederate flag-flying, storm-watching, hog-calling Ar-Kansas. The one and only place where toddlers can call a hog better than their Louisiana hog-raising Cuz’n Barnell.

I watched a hilarious video today. Check it out. You’ll learn how to chase Big Foot away with a stick and say “Git on outta heeyare.” Apparently it works well. The County Sheriff confirms it.

Big stick: free

Redneck southern man: debatable

Redneck southern man wielding stick as a weapon against Big Foot: priceless

BTW- This video really is worth watching (or in my case, muting and ignoring) a 28 second commercial first. I promise.

Do you know what is better than Christmas? You don’t? Well, I will tell you.

(Drum roll, please.)

A NEW FRICKIN DRIVEWAY!

Richmond American is FINALLY fixing our gravel pit!

The other day I was told that I was mean. For about twenty seconds, this bothered me. Then I realized there are some real advantages to being a beeyotch. If you don’t believe me, check out urban dictionary, where it defines beeyotch as “a term of affection or an insult.” Personally, I am going to go with the affection definition.

So, all of my neighbors that are getting brand new driveways due to my meanness- you can call me a beeyotch whenever you like, and I will take it as a compliment.

I was talking to a coworker today, and he said that I am not a true beeyotch, but I can strategically pull the beeyotch card. I really liked this. That conversation was the seed that grew into the following:

Top 3 Reasons to be a Beeyotch

1. You get what you want- most of the time. If you don’t get what you want, step it up.

2. When you are called this word, it is actually a compliment- like when Lindsey Lohan uses it on the guy she likes in “Mean Girls.” So, if someone calls you a beeyotch, really they are saying they have a huge crush on you.

3. Corporations take you seriously. Aren’t I right, Richmond American?

Dear Richmond American,

I was full of accolades for you a couple months ago, but now I am left wondering what happened.

When you were getting bad press and negative social media coverage you were my best friends. Now your silence is deafening.

My driveway still looks like a gravel pit. No matter how many flowers I plant in my yard, the focal point is still my crumbling driveway. I was told you were going to fix the driveways in the spring, but I haven’t heard another word since.

I forgot to mention that my outdoor water faucets are so loose, I think they are going to break completely off and my garage door sensors have never worked during the summers. I guess I forgot these items because it was winter when we did the walk through.

Also, my back porch has not been painted and the fireplace was not finished.

Where are you Poli Peters? Did you forget about me?

Signed,

Abandoned and Confused

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