What are you doing next Tuesday evening?

You have plans? Well, cancel them. You are about to be invited to the biggest party of the century! You may have thought that party happened in NYC on New Years Eve 1999, but it didn’t. Believe me, I was there. I got chased by a drunk homeless guy. It was a little scary.

Excited? Ready for more information?

Well then, here you go! You HAVE to come to our #gno tweet-up. What is a tweet-up? Well, if it involves SEO.com, it is where a bunch of internet marketing and social media pros get together to do geek-like things. We talk about websites, marketing, and use phrases like anchor text. If that doesn’t sound like a party, you are frickin crazy!

Anyone and everyone is invited. Come for tips and tricks on getting more traffic to your site. If you have a blog, website, or just want free pizza, we would love to see you. We have $1700 in giveaways and if you are really lucky, you might go home with a cool SEO.com t-shirt.

Are you far away? No big deal! We will bring the party to you. Simply click on the ustream link below on Tuesday night and join us online.

Event Details

Come join us for a pizza party at the SEO.com headquarters, follow the party on twitter, or join us live through ustream. To RSVP, visit http://twtvite.com/esj6zp.

Date/Time:  Tuesday, Jan. 12; 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST

On-site Location:   SEO.com Corporate Office: 14870 S. Pony Express Rd. Suite 100, Bluffdale, UT 84065

Ustream: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/gno-seo-com-tweet-up1
Twitter Feed:  #gno #seocom

Giveaway 1: a free 1-year subscription to SEO Companion—SEO.com’s exclusive site that will help you learn and apply SEO techniques that will drive more traffic to your site (approximate value: $1200).

Giveaway 2—a free custom SEO site analysis from SEO.com ($500 value).

For more information including entry requirements, click HERE to visit my blog post for seo.com.

I hope to see you there!

My thirteen year-old is busy texting boys, watching vampire movies, creating dances with her friends that she records (and begs to put on youtube- which I do NOT allow) and talking on the phone.

Life wasn’t always like this. She used to be six and everything I said was true. She would run to the door and greet me with a smile and a hug. She would tell me everything about her day, which usually consisted of what cool rocks she found and how they sparkle.

When did she grow up?

When did life become about make-up, boys, friends, clothes, shopping, Twilight and Team Jacob?

I miss the days when her imaginary world was as real as the snow I see outside my window. She had special powers, secret passageways and an entire world of creatures more fantastic than anything written by CS Lewis or Tolkien.

Sometimes when she had a hard day, or a moment that wasn’t going her way, she would compare and contrast the two universes in which she lived. She would say, “In my world…” and would follow it by telling us how wonderful her world was. Sometimes I would tell her, “well, right now you are in this world, where we clean our rooms, make our beds, and go to sleep at 8:00.”

I was talking to my Dad recently about this, and we discussed what it would be like to design our own worlds. I have been thinking (I know, I know, CRAZY!) and believe I could come up with the perfect world.

In my world, we would all have the innocence, unconditional love and sincerity of six year-olds, and the wisdom and patience of the Dalai Lama. (The Art of Happiness is a great book, by the way.)

In my world, time would not exist. This would eliminate the need to rush or hurry for anything. There would be no deadlines, appointments, or time-related stress.

In my world, we would have endless energy with no need for sleep. We could accomplish incredible things as we would never tire.

In my world, we would all have perfect health. Our bodies would be as strong as the species on “I Am Legend,” but we would all be incredibly gorgeous. (Those creatures are frickin scary-looking!)

What does your world look like?

Every time I sit down to blog, I think about writing it. You know, that one post that NEEDS to be written? It is there inside you, forming, growing, developing a life of its own? I never understood writers who said they had a novel inside of them. Now I know, because I think I have one inside of me. Perhaps there are meds for that? Deep breath. OK, here goes.

Whew. I feel better. I think I just got it out.

Wait, a minute. Nope, it’s still there. Here we go again.

In June this year, we almost lost our baby boy. Sometime before he was eight weeks old, he ingested an airborne botulism spore which irreversibly bound to his intestines and started poisoning him.

Within hours one Saturday, he became paralyzed, blind and went into respiratory arrest. According to his doctors, and Wikipedia, the source of all truth and knowledge, Botulism (Botulinum toxin) is the most poisonous substance on earth. If it wasn’t for divine intervention, he wouldn’t have made it to the hospital alive.

For days it was a dark nightmare. The entire first week (out of 11 weeks we spent at Primary Children’s Hospital) was a blur. We cried. We prayed. We watched the monitors. The doctors ran test, after test, after test. After involving three separate teams of specialists, they finally were able to diagnose and treat our paralyzed little boy.

Eventually he was able to slightly move his right arm.
Then his left.
Then his feet.
And then one day, his eyelids fluttered.
It was glorious.

During the following twenty-two weeks he learned how to breathe, move, smile, drink a bottle and become a baby again.

Now, as I am writing this post, he is rolling around the carpet trying to put anything, and everything, into his mouth.

Through this nightmare, I have changed. I am still my silly, crazy, self; but there is a new sense of appreciation and gratitude that is so intense, I find myself getting choked-up almost every day. (Don’t worry, nobody knows, I blame it on my contacts.)

Life is so short. If I have learned anything, it is that each day is precious. Our time with our loved ones is invaluable. Hug your kids. Kiss your spouse. Be friends with your siblings. Call your parents. Say “I love you.” When we thought we were going to lose our baby, I wished so badly that I had spent more time cuddling him, and less time worrying about lack of sleep or a perfectly-clean house.

Christmas is upon us. While the rest of the world is scurrying around, stressed-out over finding the perfect present, my husband and I are cuddling on the couch, knowing quality time together with our children is more precious than anything we could find in a store.

Merry Christmas. I hope it is everything you want it to be. No, I hope it is more. I hope you take the time to truly enjoy this season by making memories that will last forever.

I could write an entire list of things I love about working at SEO.com, but instead, I will just post the video below. Where else could I get paid for doing things like this?

I am pretty sure MTV will be calling us soon. If you want my autograph now, I will be offering a discounted rate.

The 80s were the best frickin decade ever. Women were pretty and men were prettier. Eyeliner, big hair, sparkly clothes- it was such a great look.

If you compare decades, the 80s wins by far. Here’s why:

• Nobody cared if you shaped your eyebrows, just ask Madonna.
• Crooked teeth were A-O-K and gaps in your teeth worked, too.
• All it took to look your best was three minutes, a can of aquanet and a fine-tooth comb.
• Men wore make up.
• Hammer pants (No explanation needed.)
• Your feet were never cold, due to the multiple pairs of socks over tights with Reeboks.
• Mr. Belvedere solved all of our problems.
• Your crimped hair looked super-fantastic in a banana clip.
• Jem was truly outrageous.
• Your boyfriend’s permed mullet felt awesome when you ran your fingers through it.
• You lost your sister, but still have enough beans and rice (Oregon Trail).
• Side ponytails rocked.
• Guys looked fantastic in hairband t-shirts and acid-washed jeans.

If you are of a different opinion, watch the clip below. I am sure it will convince you.

What are your favorite things about the 80s?

I received a call from “Mary” this morning. (Her name isn’t really Mary, she just didn’t want me to use her real name on my blog. I am really not sure why, it would have been her ticket to stardom.) She was a little upset over the ringtone her husband assigned to her on his iphone. I am not sure what her problem is, I think a submarine battle cry is perfect for her. That way, every time she calls, he can quickly prepare for war.

I think everyone should have a personalized ringtone. Every time we place a call, our ringtone plays. We get assigned a tone based on popular vote. If you want a fun tone, you have to be super, duper fun.

Your ringtone will be required on all employment applications. That way, when a prospective employer is reviewing your resume, they can quickly understand your personality and work ethic. If you are a hard working man, you may get a ringtone like this:

If you like pegged jeans, hairband t-shirts and think Jo Dirt is the frickin hottest guy ever, you might end up with a ringtone like this:

If you didn’t like your ringtone, you could petition for a different one. The government could set up a committee which would review all petitions and investigate whether a change is deserved. This would be a great use of tax payer money. I think we should lobby for an earmark on the next bill.

I am still trying to figure out what my ringtone should be and am open to suggestions.

What’s your frickin tone?

At one time I was nominated, “Most Likely to be in the Olympics.” Now I think it would be, “Most Likely to Watch the Olympics While Eating a Carton of Ice-Cream.” This is an honor that I hope for every day. In fact, I may start a well-funded campaign to get it going.

The last year has been tough. Seriously, the toughest I have ever had. I guess I thought that a twix candy bar, some ice-cream, a little hot chocolate and maybe an extra helping of pie would make it better. In the end, I found you can’t eat your problems. Besides, if you could, I doubt they would taste very good.

So, here I am, wearing a bodybugg, exercising and eating way more salad and way less pie than I would like. The good news is, after 9 days, I have lost 7 pounds. Thank you, thank you (said in my best Elvis voice).

In honor of my tremendous success, I present:

The Best Frickin Things About Dieting:

1. You don’t have to worry about what to make for dinner. You don’t get dinner. You do get to eat, but the portion size is not nearly big enough to classify as dinner. It is more like a snack- so small it would get lost in your frickin skinny-jeans pocket.

2. Your oral health improves. No need to spend money going to the dentist. The lack of sugar combined with the enormous amount of water required to keep a semi-full stomach, prevents all tooth decay.

3. You have just been given a raise. The decrease in your food budget now allows for a Porsche (or at least a Mini Cooper.) It’s time to get rid of that mini van and trade up! After all, once you have lost all that weight, you deserve to look smoking hot in a Porsche.

4. Your hair always looks great. Because you spend way more time in the bathroom (thanks to all the water), you have plenty of opportunities to fix your hair.

5. You have more time. Think of all you can accomplish now that you are unburdened by the hassle of food preparation and consumption. Seriously. What a hassle that was- consuming food- what a bother!

There you have it. With those frickin amazing reasons to diet, I think I am ready to start my own weight-loss program. Want to join?

If you are still unconvinced, consider the following quote. “I went on a diet, swore off heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” -Joe E. Lewis

Yeah, that should do it!