The 80s were the best frickin decade ever. Women were pretty and men were prettier. Eyeliner, big hair, sparkly clothes- it was such a great look.

If you compare decades, the 80s wins by far. Here’s why:

• Nobody cared if you shaped your eyebrows, just ask Madonna.
• Crooked teeth were A-O-K and gaps in your teeth worked, too.
• All it took to look your best was three minutes, a can of aquanet and a fine-tooth comb.
• Men wore make up.
• Hammer pants (No explanation needed.)
• Your feet were never cold, due to the multiple pairs of socks over tights with Reeboks.
• Mr. Belvedere solved all of our problems.
• Your crimped hair looked super-fantastic in a banana clip.
• Jem was truly outrageous.
• Your boyfriend’s permed mullet felt awesome when you ran your fingers through it.
• You lost your sister, but still have enough beans and rice (Oregon Trail).
• Side ponytails rocked.
• Guys looked fantastic in hairband t-shirts and acid-washed jeans.

If you are of a different opinion, watch the clip below. I am sure it will convince you.

What are your favorite things about the 80s?

I received a call from “Mary” this morning. (Her name isn’t really Mary, she just didn’t want me to use her real name on my blog. I am really not sure why, it would have been her ticket to stardom.) She was a little upset over the ringtone her husband assigned to her on his iphone. I am not sure what her problem is, I think a submarine battle cry is perfect for her. That way, every time she calls, he can quickly prepare for war.

I think everyone should have a personalized ringtone. Every time we place a call, our ringtone plays. We get assigned a tone based on popular vote. If you want a fun tone, you have to be super, duper fun.

Your ringtone will be required on all employment applications. That way, when a prospective employer is reviewing your resume, they can quickly understand your personality and work ethic. If you are a hard working man, you may get a ringtone like this:

If you like pegged jeans, hairband t-shirts and think Jo Dirt is the frickin hottest guy ever, you might end up with a ringtone like this:

If you didn’t like your ringtone, you could petition for a different one. The government could set up a committee which would review all petitions and investigate whether a change is deserved. This would be a great use of tax payer money. I think we should lobby for an earmark on the next bill.

I am still trying to figure out what my ringtone should be and am open to suggestions.

What’s your frickin tone?

At one time I was nominated, “Most Likely to be in the Olympics.” Now I think it would be, “Most Likely to Watch the Olympics While Eating a Carton of Ice-Cream.” This is an honor that I hope for every day. In fact, I may start a well-funded campaign to get it going.

The last year has been tough. Seriously, the toughest I have ever had. I guess I thought that a twix candy bar, some ice-cream, a little hot chocolate and maybe an extra helping of pie would make it better. In the end, I found you can’t eat your problems. Besides, if you could, I doubt they would taste very good.

So, here I am, wearing a bodybugg, exercising and eating way more salad and way less pie than I would like. The good news is, after 9 days, I have lost 7 pounds. Thank you, thank you (said in my best Elvis voice).

In honor of my tremendous success, I present:

The Best Frickin Things About Dieting:

1. You don’t have to worry about what to make for dinner. You don’t get dinner. You do get to eat, but the portion size is not nearly big enough to classify as dinner. It is more like a snack- so small it would get lost in your frickin skinny-jeans pocket.

2. Your oral health improves. No need to spend money going to the dentist. The lack of sugar combined with the enormous amount of water required to keep a semi-full stomach, prevents all tooth decay.

3. You have just been given a raise. The decrease in your food budget now allows for a Porsche (or at least a Mini Cooper.) It’s time to get rid of that mini van and trade up! After all, once you have lost all that weight, you deserve to look smoking hot in a Porsche.

4. Your hair always looks great. Because you spend way more time in the bathroom (thanks to all the water), you have plenty of opportunities to fix your hair.

5. You have more time. Think of all you can accomplish now that you are unburdened by the hassle of food preparation and consumption. Seriously. What a hassle that was- consuming food- what a bother!

There you have it. With those frickin amazing reasons to diet, I think I am ready to start my own weight-loss program. Want to join?

If you are still unconvinced, consider the following quote. “I went on a diet, swore off heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” -Joe E. Lewis

Yeah, that should do it!

It is cold and dark outside, our Christmas tree is lit, and I am listening to Charlie Brown theme music in the background. I am pretty sure everything is right with the world.

My four year-old is captivated by “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” You know, the one where Charlie picks out the smallest, most pathetic, little tree, ever? Maybe I am smoking a little something, but I LOVE that tree! Listening to the music reminds me of some of my favorite frickin memories.

Here’s one for you.

I am eight years-old living in Utah, where we have a lot of respect for pioneers. After a number of years of singing songs like, “Pioneer children sang as they walked, and walked, and walked and walked (repeat this line three times and you basically know the entire song), I wonder what it would be like to be a pioneer. Not just any pioneer, a real pioneer. The kind that walks 20 miles a day, barefoot and frozen and never stops singing.

My sisters wonder too. Are we tough enough to be pioneers? We think we are.

It’s a snowy, winter evening (I am not sure where my parents are) we take off our shoes and socks and roll-up our pants. Then, we open our sliding glass door, shivering as we walk outside, down the steps, and proceed to run (barefoot) laps around our backyard in sub-zero weather. We hold a contest of who can run the most laps in the knee-deep snow. I am sure I won. After all, this is my memory, and I can remember it any way, I want, right?

OK, maybe the snow wasn’t knee-deep, but I am keeping the win.

I have lost the feeling in my feet and am relishing every minute. I am a TRUE pioneer. I can handle anything. When I am feeling especially victorious and picturing the monument that will be built in my honor, I notice my shivering younger sister. She is pretty cold. What a pansy. Feeling somewhat merciful, my older sister and I consent to allowing her to wear bread bags, fastened with rubber-bands on her feet. Although she is definitely not real-pioneer caliber, we realize that she is only six and probably would have ridden in a wagon, anyway.

Good times.

TGI-Frickin-F!

It is once again, Friday. Yessss (said in my very best Napolean Dynamite voice). It is time for a Frickin Friday post. This post is dedicated to Troy Pattee, possibly the funniest person I have never met.

First of all, what is an eMeet? Well, for those of you in the real world, it is when you meet someone over the internet. You know, kind of like on, “You’ve Got Mail.” Only, the scary thing is, sometimes you end up talking to someone like this. 

Anyway, because I like to blog, participate in Twitter GNO (a girls’ night out, where none of the ladies actually go anywhere. We sit at home on the internet and tweet. Kind of funny, really), AND I work for an internet marketing firm- I have more eMeets than real meets. Today, I had the best frickin eMeet, ever.

The company I work for, SEO.com, is hiring. I know! Pretty crazy with the recession and all, but when you work for a company as cool as SEO.com, it happens. But that is not the part of the story I want to focus on.

One of my eFriends, Jyl, a frickin awesome mommy blogger, recommended her husband for a position at SEO.com. She introduced us via email. I sent a quick email back, “Great. So nice to meet you, blah, blah, blah,” and I wrote a little about the position.

This is what I received in return:

Well it’s awesome to finally eMeet you Lori! Jyl has been talking about you non-stop for the past couple of weeks…well alright, she did stop while we watched a movie last weekend, but other than that it’s been pretty much constant. I’ll plan on starting Monday if that’s okay with you. I usually like to roll in around 9:30 (that way I miss most of the traffic). Do you know if my email will be set up that first day? I can’t tell you how excited I am to have such a short email address! My last one was SO LONG, it was almost embarrassing to give it to people. I had to have extra-wide business cards just to fit the whole address on one line.

My reaction- This guy is the bomb. I receive a lot of resumes and very rarely do I remember the names of the applicants. I am pretty sure I will always remember Troy.

Nice to frickin eMeet you, Troy!