As any good mother would do, I recently took my 13 year-old to see Jacob, Edward and our BFF, Bella Swan, in Eclipse. This was an excellent move (and yes, I meant move, not movIE). Nothing says parental responsibility like escorting your teen to uplifting movies that encourage chastity and virtue. I am pretty sure I scored points in Heaven for this outing.

The movie is definitely better than the 2nd, but I was disappointed that they didn’t include another Edward/Bella piggy-back scene, flying up a mountain like the first. Nothing and I mean nothing can top that. It was truly magical.

However, they made up for this minor mistake by making all the vampires hotter. IMHO, this definitely helped. Instead of Edward looking like someone struggling with insomnia and allergies, he looked like a guy that hadn’t seen any sun in awhile and needed a strong prescription of Zoloft.

What can I say about Jacob? I am worried about criticizing this teen God, for fear that a 40 year-old, screaming, Mom-of-four will attack me, or bake me cookies with Ex-lax. I will unknowingly take these cookies to work where we will overload our bathroom pipes causing the entire city of Bluffdale to shut down. Pretty soon the Mayor or other city official who dissed our office Open House, will be knocking on our door demanding retribution. This would get me fired, and I love my job, so that is no good.

Instead, I will say: If you are 17 or younger (but not too young, so if you are my 13 year-old daughter, Corinne, please skip this paragraph) you are allowed to have dreams of Jacob running towards you in a field of flowers. Feel free to add a unicorn, a rainbow, and a midget, if you like.

Bella. Oh my darling, Bella. How can I help you, Sweetheart? You are a very confused young lady. I think that you need counseling, new friends, and a mother/daughter “wait until you are married,” talk. Every time you spoke, I felt like I needed to cover my daughter’s ears. Please stop. Please, please, please, stop talking.

FrickinMom’s Eclipse Movie Review:

58 minutes of Bella talking/asking/begging to do certain indoor activities with Edward

22 minutes of Vampire history

12 minutes of Edward resisting Bella

10 minutes of Edward and Jacob fighting over Bella

9 minutes of Bella kissing/hugging/loving and denying her feelings for Jacob

7 minutes of Jacob looking hot

6 minutes of Vampires fighting each other

Final Thoughts

Favorite line from the movie: Edward speaking to Bella about Jacob, “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Also, I would rather marry a dog than a blood-sucking, depressed creep that isn’t alive. How about you? Would you rather live forever as a member of the undead?

Related posts: Frickin Bella, Frickin New Moon

I had the opportunity to purchase tickets for my 13 year-old and me to attend “New Moon” about a month ago. Because I never read the books (I know, shoot me) and didn’t really get into the first movie (want to shoot me, again?) I let this opportunity pass.

Now, I realize the gravity of my error. By not getting tickets, I live in a constant state of New Moon discussion. My communication with my 13-year old consists of:  “Mom, did you see the ‘New Moon” trailer?” and “Mom, can I use your iphone to watch ‘New Moon’ interviews on YouTube? and “Mom, McKenna gets to go to ‘New Moon’ with her Mom. Why aren’t we going?” and “Ohhhh, I LOVE this song. It is Bella’s lullaby!” I wish we were going to see ‘New Moon!’ and the latest tonight, “Mom, I think it is really unfair we aren’t going to ‘New Moon. EVERYONE else I know is going.

FRICK!

Because of this drama, I have come up with the Top 5 Frickin Reasons to See New Moon:

1. By watching New Moon, you can learn how to interact appropriately with vampires.
2. New Moon will teach you how to evaluate if your dog (or the dog next door) is really a werewolf.
3. New Moon will help us relive our high school glory days, because it accurately portrays the high school experience.
4. New Moon will add spice to our love lives, because no matter what (less than awesome thing) our husbands or boyfriends do, they haven’t tried to suck our blood and kill us.
5. New Moon will open the communication channels with our children by reminding us to have the, “don’t do drugs, don’t drink, stay in school, and don’t date vampires” discussion with them.

So, what do I do now? Well, I guess I buy tickets to see ‘New Moon’ on Saturday the 21st.