I love the South. I really do. In fact, I may be genetically disposed to loving grits, big hair and porch sitting. Why? Because my roots come from Confederate flag-flying, storm-watching, hog-calling Ar-Kansas. The one and only place where toddlers can call a hog better than their Louisiana hog-raising Cuz’n Barnell.

I watched a hilarious video today. Check it out. You’ll learn how to chase Big Foot away with a stick and say “Git on outta heeyare.” Apparently it works well. The County Sheriff confirms it.

Big stick: free

Redneck southern man: debatable

Redneck southern man wielding stick as a weapon against Big Foot: priceless

BTW- This video really is worth watching (or in my case, muting and ignoring) a 28 second commercial first. I promise.

Do you know what is better than Christmas? You don’t? Well, I will tell you.

(Drum roll, please.)

A NEW FRICKIN DRIVEWAY!

Richmond American is FINALLY fixing our gravel pit!

The other day I was told that I was mean. For about twenty seconds, this bothered me. Then I realized there are some real advantages to being a beeyotch. If you don’t believe me, check out urban dictionary, where it defines beeyotch as “a term of affection or an insult.” Personally, I am going to go with the affection definition.

So, all of my neighbors that are getting brand new driveways due to my meanness- you can call me a beeyotch whenever you like, and I will take it as a compliment.

I was talking to a coworker today, and he said that I am not a true beeyotch, but I can strategically pull the beeyotch card. I really liked this. That conversation was the seed that grew into the following:

Top 3 Reasons to be a Beeyotch

1. You get what you want- most of the time. If you don’t get what you want, step it up.

2. When you are called this word, it is actually a compliment- like when Lindsey Lohan uses it on the guy she likes in “Mean Girls.” So, if someone calls you a beeyotch, really they are saying they have a huge crush on you.

3. Corporations take you seriously. Aren’t I right, Richmond American?

I was busy working on a report this morning, when I received a Facebook chat from my cousin, Alisha. It wasn’t long into the conversation, when I realized that either Alisha has suffered a very serious memory loss (she called her son by the wrong name) and can no longer spell, or I was chatting with a hacker.

Knowing Alisha is pretty up on her game, I decided that it must be the latter. I have always wanted to scam a scammer, so I took this opportunity to look away from my spreadsheet and enjoy a good laugh. For your pleasure, I posted the chat below. My comments are in italics.

Please note, I did use a little language, but in order to avoid typing it here, I replaced the word with symbols. However, if four symbols referencing the scorching underworld offends you, my deepest apologies (kind of).

Alisha: hey lori How are you

10:11amMe: Hi Alisha, I am great. How are you?

10:11amAlisha: not too good.. in a deep mess as we speak!

10:12amMe: I am so sorry. what is wrong?

10:12amAlisha: We got stranded in Wales

10:12amMe: What?! That is awful. Where is Wales? The whole family is stranded? (I knew there was a Wales in Utah, but couldn’t remember where. I assumed she was discussing a Utah city, as I knew she wasn’t out-of-town.)

10:14amAlisha: yes we got mugged at gun point last night! all cash,credit cards and cell phone was stolen! Connor is missing! (Um, her son’s name is Gary. HELLO HACKER! Should have done some research!)

10:16amMe: Oh my GOSH! (Really excited that I get to play along.) Where in Wales are you?

10:24amAlisha: I need your help!!

10:24amMe: What can I do for you? Want me to drive and pick you up? Wales is only a couple hours from here. Give me your location. (After I typed this, I thought, darn it! This may have ended the conversation.)

10:27amAlisha: Wales ,England (Really?! Wales, England? Isn’t that like saying Mexico, United States? HELLO! Wales is a country! Not only does this idiot have no sense of geography; he seriously can’t type.)

10:28amMe: Oh wow! What can I possibly do to help you? I will do anything for my cute cousin! You poor, poor thing! What are you going to do about Connor? What a nightmare?! (Yes, I think I could have a career in acting.)

10:29amAlisha: Our return flight leaves in few hours but having troubles sorting out the hotel bills  The local cops are carrying out investigations about that.. right now am totally devastated! we need financial help!

10:30amMe: Just tell me how much. I will wire immediately.

10:30amAlisha: couldn’t get a hold of anyone right now really sucks .. my head is presently hurting with my pregnancy i hate to say i’m sick right now

10:31amMe: How do I send the money to you? (By now, I have two co-workers in my office with me. We are all laughing hysterically.)

10:31amAlisha: I was wondering if you could loan me some few $$ to sort out the hotel bills and take a cab to the airport

10:31amMe: Of course!

10:31amAlisha: I will definitely refund… i still have my passport you can have it wired to my name and present location via western union  Do you any WU ??

10:31amMe: Oh no, don’t worry about that! What is WU?

10:32amAlisha: Western Union Money Transfer  Do you know any store near you?

10:32amMe: No, but I can probably find one. How much do you need?

10:33amAlisha: All we need is $2000  I promise to refund tomorrow

10:33amMe: Are you sure that is all you need? We can definitely send more.

10:34amAlisha: Yes.. that’s all we need but we may need some more if you can assist (We were hoping that this yahoo was uber excited and was thinking he had scored big time. )

10:35amMe: I also have Brenda on the line. She will send money too. (I am talking to my Aunt on the phone, telling her that the real Alisha better change her password ASAP.)

10:36amAlisha: You will need my details where to wire the money but meanwhile you can look up a near by WU office from the website

10:36amMe: I have one. Send me the account information. Hurry!

10:37amAlisha: Name – Alisha Jacob Beckstrom
Location – 59 Dan y Coed Road Cardiff,
London CF23 6NE United Kingdom (Can authorities work with Western Unions to stop this activity? This is pretty good information.)

10:37amMe: Anything else? Account number? (Really hoping I could get something to nail this criminal.)

10:37amAlisha: That’s all you need to wire to me i will pick the cash up with my Passport ID  no acct needed dear (Does this mean they have a fake passport in Alisha’s name? SCARY!)

10:37amMe: OK, consider it done…  Right after @%$ freezes over, you hacker loser.

10:37amAlisha: How soon will you get it done?

10:38amMe: After I report you.

10:38amAlisha: I know u are an !@%$#%@

10:38amMe: Reporting to facebook now.

So, there you go. Frickin cyber criminals using Facebook to steal money. What losers.

According to Symantec, identity theft happens every three seconds on the internet and has surpassed illegal drug trafficking as the #1 money maker. You may want to visit Scam Free Internet, it has some good information about protecting yourself against cyber crime.

Facebook is also aware of this, and has posted this information on their site regarding money transfer scams. I recommend choosing long and difficult passwords with letters and numbers and changing your passwords often. Hopefully, we can all be safer if we take this precautions. Frickin hackers!

Graphic credit: Daily Mirror

With all the emotion I have in my soul, I have tirelessly embarked upon a journey of frickin artistic discovery. Richmond American, I dedicate this ode to thee.

For four long winters

I trembled on icy, frigid nights where heat escaped me.

For forty-eight unending months

I stumbled on our driveway, falling, trying to protect my Nordstrom shoes from gravel marks.

For one thousand, four hundred days

I wiped away tears of frustration over a dryer-vent that whipped through the air mercilessly, unable to be attached to the outside vent.

For 33,600 hours

I cursed the plastic covering our main floor fireplace, prohibiting its use.

For 2,016,000 minutes

I glared at my windows, wishing they protected me from heat and cold.

For 120,960,000 seconds

I swore I would never buy another Richmond Home.

Now, I shall change my song and begin a count anew.

Well, here we go! Below is the investigative report by Kelli O’Hara with ABC4.

In Richmond’s defense (who knew I would ever start a sentence that way!) the following items have now been fixed:

- Insulation. Apparently there was insulation between the garage and our floor, but there was a large portion of the attic above our master bedroom with ZERO insulation. Richmond American took care of this problem yesterday. Below is a picture of the contractor blowing in the needed insulation. (Thank you!) They also increased the amount of insulation (brought it up to code) above the entire 2nd floor. I am excited to report that our home was so warm last night! We didn’t even need the space heater in our room. WOW, What a difference!

- Garage ceiling. The drywall on our garage ceiling has been replaced, so there are no obvious signs of water damage from our leaky roof, now. Yes!

Today we are expecting:

- Fireplace repair
- Window seal repair
- Back porch repair
- Laundry room repair

UPDATE:  2:00 p.m.

What an amazing day! Our window seals have been repaired. Apparently there was an issue with a lack of weather stripping. (Read Richmond’s response to our leaking window request three years ago. They have a very different attitude now.) Richmond American went the extra mile and inspected/repaired every window in our home -not just the three we mentioned earlier. NICE WORK!

The fireplace was serviced, as well. There is no more plastic covering our fireplace, and I don’t feel a breeze anymore. They are also going the extra mile on our fireplace and are going to add insulation up in our eaves where there are some unintended vents. (Richmond, feel free to correct me if I explained that incorrectly.)

Our back porch is as good as new. It no longer sags. I don’t believe this item was mentioned earlier on the blog, but it was a safety concern. They replaced the steps and the support system, and even offered to paint it.

Finally, I have a normal laundry room! My washer and dryer both fit in the room comfortably now. In addition to having a professional contractor work on the vent, Kevin Jensen personally addressed this issue and worked some additional magic. End result- the problem was rectified and it looks fantastic. Thank you!

The only item left to be fixed is our driveway. I am pleased to report that Richmond American is going to fix every RA driveway in our neighborhood that is spalling. (Attention neighbors–  submit the request immediately. They are measuring the driveways next week.) Way to go the distance, Richmond! I am no longer hopeful; I am ecstatic and appreciative. Poli and Kevin, you two are frickin awesome. Thank you.