I love the South. I really do. In fact, I may be genetically disposed to loving grits, big hair and porch sitting. Why? Because my roots come from Confederate flag-flying, storm-watching, hog-calling Ar-Kansas. The one and only place where toddlers can call a hog better than their Louisiana hog-raising Cuz’n Barnell.

I watched a hilarious video today. Check it out. You’ll learn how to chase Big Foot away with a stick and say “Git on outta heeyare.” Apparently it works well. The County Sheriff confirms it.

Big stick: free

Redneck southern man: debatable

Redneck southern man wielding stick as a weapon against Big Foot: priceless

BTW- This video really is worth watching (or in my case, muting and ignoring) a 28 second commercial first. I promise.

Whenever Mother’s Day comes around, I start feeling guilty. I compare myself to the super-idealistic-fairytale-wonder-woman-mom that I believe I should be. If it wasn’t for the free flower we get in church, I wouldn’t even crawl out of bed on Mother’s Day. Instead, I would remain in hiding and eat things like chocolate candy, ice cream and brownies while faking sick.

I know I am not the only Mom that feels this way. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we hold our measuring sticks so high that it is impossible to reach them? We all love our children and are doing the best we can, right?

I recently took a personality test at work. According to the results, I am a “Type A” personality. This means although you may hire me to run your company, you won’t hire me as a nanny and I will mostly-likely never be voted mother-of-the-year.

So, here’s the question. Knowing my results, should I hold myself up to an idealistic measuring stick where women dress, look, sound, and act like Mary Poppins, or should I compare myself to Hillary Clinton?

I am thinking neither.

So, what kind of mother am I? What kind of mother should I be?

In an effort to answer my own question and avoid a little depression this Sunday, I have come up with my own criteria for a good mom.

7 Tips to Achieving Frickin Super Mom Status

1. Always be nice to your kids. Unless they draw on the walls, tell you they hate you, poop their pants or fail in school. Then, anything goes. And I mean anything.

2. When you have to decide between working late or the school play, choose the play.

3. When you feel like pulling out your hair or worse, take a time out. Try not to say things like, “Mommy needs a break before she is locked up in the mental hospital, kiddos,” or “Call 911, because one of us is going to need some serious medical help.”

4. Send your kids to bed early. Their bedtime is for YOU. Sure, you can tell yourself it is because you are concerned about their health, but seriously- you need some quiet time. This will help you be a better mom.

5. Feed your kids. Cold cereal is fine.

6. When your kids are asleep, go into their room and kiss them. It’s awesome. Maybe because it is quiet… but still, it’s awesome.

7. Laugh. If you can laugh at poop in the bathtub, being covered in spit up, or the crazy-roller-coaster-mood changes of teenagers, life will be easier. After all, these kiddos really do grow up fast and our time with them is precious.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you frickin moms!

Related posts: frickinmommyhood

Image credit: mommytracked.com

I work with over 40 men. We have started to even the odds by hiring a few women lately, but we gals are still considerably outnumbered. From time-to-time, I hear the guys talking about their marriages and women in general. As a member of the superior sex, I realize at times we are hard to read. In an effort to educate all you men, I am offering the following guide to understanding the female language.

She says, “It has been a long time since we’ve gone out.”
He hears, “Thanks for taking me out last month.”
She means, “Take me on a frickin date!”

She says, “I am so tired of cleaning the kitchen.”
He hears, “I am going to clean the kitchen, enjoy watching the game.”
She means, “Stop watching that stupid game and clean the frickin kitchen!”

She says, “No problem, I will just do it myself.”
He hears, “No problem.”
She means, “If you don’t take care of this immediately, you will receive the ice-queen treatment for the next three days.”

She says, “I wish we had money for a new outfit.”
He hears, “I am so glad we are being careful with our spending during the recession.”
She means, “I want that frickin outfit. Make it happen.”

She says, “I am fine.”
He hears, “Nothing’s wrong.”
She means, “You have sixty seconds to figure out why I am so unhappy right now.”

She says, “I am so tired.”
He hears, “I am so tired.”
She means, “It is your night to stay up with the baby, or else.”

She says, “Oh look, there’s a Wendy’s”
He hears, “Oh look, there’s a Wendy’s”
She means, “I want a frosty. Turn the car around.”

Well, there ya have it. As I am always super-easy to read, my husband never has difficulty understanding me. I mean, wait… hmmm… nevermind.

So, after all the positive feedback (yeah, I am pretty frickin awesome) I received on Dolphinin’s Journal and the fact that I had a bunch of fun doing it, I decided to start a real blog. Below is the timeline and series of events that led to this monumental happening.

October 21, 2009

I realized I was the bomb. This didn’t come as a big shocker because I had always known that I ranked pretty high on the cool factor. What really cemented this was the following email I received from Dave Bascom, CEO and my boss at SEO.com: ”We’ve got to get more people following you on twitter. Your follower numbers are kind of weak.” When I read this, I realized that I must be really important for him to take a serious interest in my tweeples. I quickly came to the conclusion that if I was THAT important, thousands (if not millions) of people are waiting anxiously to read my every word.

October 27, 2009

I became addicted to #GNO on Twitter. It happens. I may seek therapy in the future. Anyway, I noticed that all the really super cool people (a shout out to all the girls-night-out ladies) have blogs. I read them. Every single one. OK- maybe I was entering more contests than reading content, but hey- I at least visited their sites. I once again realized as one of the coolest frickin people I know, that I needed a blog ASAP.

November 6, 2009

I began thinking of URLs and researching their availability on MadDog. I gained a love/hate relationship with domainers during this process. OK, maybe not love.

November 9, 2009

Gave up thinking of URLs and went to the brains of SEO.com. Many ideas were thrown around, all of which were frickin amazing. The best one (in my humble opinion) was frickinmom.com. When I heard this domain, I believe I heard bells ring and an angelic chorus sing. Thanks @robynstorms for suggesting it. However, when I went to purchase it (dun dun dun) it was gone! Dang Greg Shuey had overheard the discussion and snatched it up! My head was spinning, I couldn’t breathe…  Luckily he sold it to me at a premium. I have to pay him $10 and bake him some cookies this Friday.

That brings us to today- my first blog post. I know; it’s a beauty.